Although I once wrote you the apology to end all apologies, I'm pretty sure that you lost it and do not remember said note. I know this note was real and it said something like this: "Mom, I'm sorry for all the bad things I've ever done and all of the bad things I will ever do." I guess I just decided that if I could make up for all my crap in one note, it would make things more efficient and save some paper. Since you didn't remember this note the last time I mentioned it, I'm now going to have to apologize specifically about some stuff. There's obviously a multitude of offenses I could mention, but I'm only going to cover three things.
1.) First and foremost, I'd like to let you know that you are indeed beautiful on the outside and the inside. I'm saying this because it's true and also to make up for the poorly thought out card that I once wrote you for Mother's Day. I know you remember this one with my classic line: "Just remember that it's not what's on the outside that counts, but what's on the inside and you've got a lot of that!" I mean...I was trying to be nice. I was just too young and stupid to realize how insulting that might have sounded out loud. Luckily, you have a great sense of humor. Bravo, Mom.
2.) I would also like to apologize for all the grief I gave you whenever you asked me to clean my room. I'm pretty sure that not once did I clean my room without a struggle and by that I mean an argument. "Naomi, please clean your room." "Why? It's just going to get messy again! I don't want to clean my room and if we keep the door closed all of the time, then no one will ever see it."Mom repeats request. "I won't leave my stuff out here, but I don't think that I should have to clean my room!...( continues ranting and 5 minutes later) I don't want to clean my room unless you can give me good reasons as to why I should clean my room!"Again, I'm sorry. I should've just shut up and cleaned my room. I'm sure it would have saved lots of time and dust bunnies. It's too bad you can't see my actual room right now, because it's covered in clothes it's the cleanest thing since that bald, muscular man in the tile commercials. Yeah, I'm giving him a run for his money.
3.) I'm sorry for the annual alphabetical names lists I made until the age of twelve. It was quite rude of me to make these lists which contained all the names I'd rather have been given and then present them to you, as though I expected you to change my name on the spot. Ok, maybe that was ultimately what I was going for, but it never worked, so I should have stopped making the lists. I'll admit that things always became pretty tricky by the time I made it to WXYZ. I think I always had to pick Xena and Yolanda, even though everyone knows that Naomi is so obviously the best option in such scenarios. I'm really really sorry that when, for the umpteenth time, I presented you with another of these ghastly lists at the age of eleven, I made you cry. I remember you begging me to never show you these lists again. I shouted back that I wouldn't, but that I promised to change my name when I turned eighteen. Admittedly, I continued to make these lists in my room for another year or so, until I made a revelatory discover. If you spell Naomi backwards, you get 'I moan'. This changed everything for me. I just wish I would have figured this out much sooner.
I cannot write you an entire note that consists solely of apologies, therefore I must include a few thank-yous. They will not be adequate, but they will be sincere.
1.) Thanks for the flexible hips!
2.) Thanks for turning my childhood in a sous chef training session. I'm not
sure if that was intentional or not, but now I know how to zest a lemon along with
a multitude of other things which may or may not impress my friends. I now find myself
increasingly alarmed whenever I talk about food, because I realize that I am starting
to sound like you, when it comes to food at least. That's not a bad thing I suppose.
I would also have you know that I brag about you all the time.
3.) Thank you for your generosity. Thank you for making me share with my brother when I didn't want to and for instilling a love of sharing baked goods deep within me. Yes, for this, all of my friends should also thank you. I know that you and dad have sacrificed so much for me and I hope to be able to give back, not as a repayment, but out of gratitude. I love you more than muffins and more than key lime pie.
Your-most-favorite-daughter,
Naomi
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